When is a LIE.... a LIE?!

We start our kids out in life by telling them a load of lies from the tooth fairy to Santa; we have them believing every word that comes out of our mouth.  Seriously, how mad or hurt were you when you found out that your parents lied about Santa or about anything.  I was devastated... it's when being a kid wasn't so much fun anymore and growing up became inevitable.  It's when I realized lying made life easier, it made it less complicated, it made it ok to go to sleep at night because my dad would slay the boogie man to protect me.  Maybe your parents told you that if you masturbated your penis will fall off or you will go to hell.  My all time favorite lie was "sex is nasty"... what a crock of shit!  I mean it's as nasty as you make it.. LOL!

When is a lie a lie? is it when the lie has deceived someone into believing all you said and done is the truth? When you have fabricated the story so much that you believe it; now that the line is so thin ,YOU can't remember if it really happened.  Is it a lie when you are protecting someones feelings? Like when you meet someone and have no intentions on calling them because you aren't interested; however to not "hurt their feelings" you ask for their number.  The truth is you do more damage by taking the number and not calling.  Or is it only a lie when you gain from the story that was told? Have you ever told someone "I love you" and didn't mean any of the eight letters you let fall from your lips?  I am confused; what are little white lies? and why are they ok?  and the BIG BLACK ones aren't.... so there is racism in lying too? 

Was it a lie because someone found out the truth?

To Be or Not to Be...... FREE!

As I continue on this journey of self awareness, self examination and self mutilation; today in the shower, I had another AHA moment.  I am a hopeless romantic as I stated in a previous blog however today while washing my hair something hit me... most guys I have been in a relationship with has cheated on me.. AHA! After I said this out loud.. I laughed and laughed and laughed not because they were all losers but because I am the common denominator and what does that say about me?  When my high school boyfriend crushed my heart by committing infidelity after infidelity ( he still holds the record for the worlds biggest loser) I was determined to never let another man have me buying stock in Kleenex, Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream with Brownies and a party line with my friends.  I would never let a man take me so outside of myself that my investigation skills would shame the most decorated Secret Service agent.  I came to know that a man cheating on me had nothing to do with me; it has everything to do with them and where they are with themselves. Once I mastered that at an early age; now when I am done... I am done. 

Over the years I have learned a lot about myself with the most important being I love my freedom.  Now don't get me wrong I love being in a relationship however I have and never will hold a man hostage to my love.  Although I enjoy hand holding and sleeping with the one I love; I also love being alone because I like NO..I love me.  I have taken the time to find that I am my own best company and responsible for my happiness.  The men that have decided to step out on me, to have a chick on the side, to think it's okay to kiss and go to hell; unfortunately lost out on having the best of both worlds.  My male friends have always joked about me having a high level of testosterone to the point that some think I have penis envy.  Well today I am setting the record straight.  I do not have penis envy. I think some men can't handle walking around with something swinging between their legs because they can't walk and chew bubble gum (you will get it later).  I enjoy being a woman! I just have the ability to smell, know shit when I see it, step in it and when someone is trying to feed it to me.  My level of nonsense is nonexistent.  Trust me when I say I have seen and heard enough fabricated stories that when I hear the truth; I question it too.

I am waiting for the man that will appreciate my need to maintain my individuality and not get caught up in his mirrored image.  I need a man that will be secure enough with himself that when I say, "I am fine alone" he doesn't interpret it to mean I am angry or need some extra attention and proceeds to call me a hundred times.  I love being feminine, I love the dresses and Jesus knows I love my shoes however I need a man that is okay with me wearing my Timberlands.  A relationship is about being with someone and loving them; for me it is also about being free.  Freedom by definition means the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.  Freedom is a synonymous with being you.  The mistake most people make is they always send a representative in the beginning... showing how great they are and how great they can be that when the real person shows up confusion sets in.  I live by the motto.. what you see is what you get.. I am me all the time.  I am genuine, sincere, loving.. I am opinionated, unreasonable when my mind is made up and most importantly I am free of drama, messiness, gossip and all things nonsense.  

The mistake I have made for many years is I thought I was in a relationship with a grown man.  Everything is fun and giggles in the beginning because I can go from boardroom, to the basketball game, to the bedroom in a blink of an eye.. meaning.. I can take care of my business, kick it with my man and be all that he "wants" behind closed doors.  We can sip champagne and chug beers.  I know that being friends is the foundation of any successful relationship.  I give freedom because I want freedom.  I am a grown woman who has a tremendous capability of occupying my time with meaningful things.  The men who have cheated couldn't handle all the freedom I needed or gave...they needed something to do with their time.  I am not going to make excuses as to why men cheat however I will say when the real man for me shows up he is going to be fine with being alone and love when we are together.  He is going to have his own shit going on that our time apart will be productive and not destructive.  He will appreciate looking at other women, maintain his friendships with his female friends without disrespecting me.  It can be done.. MONOGAMY.. it will happen as soon as more boys become men who have learned to walk with it swinging and chew bubble gum!

NAKED.... I'M LOVING IT!

I am a hopeless romantic.  I love it when a man holds the door open for me, pulls my chair out at the table and on occasion orders my dinner because he knows me so well.  I like holding hands when we are walking down the street, when he holds the umbrella in the rain and offers me his jacket if I am cold.  I like the flowers just because he thought of me during the day, the calls or text messages of nothing in particular; he just thought of something, saw something or heard something that reminded him of me.  I love when he says, "you smell good" or "you look nice today".  When he stares at me a little longer than usual as if he is seeing me for the first time.  When we can coexist in the same space without conversation. My heart smiles because he knows how I like my tea and brings it to me at the right time.  When we can respect each other opinions, disagree and move on.  When he sees me; his kisses take my breath away and his eyes shows me how much he missed me.

I am a hopeless romantic. I am going to stand in front of him and reveal the real me.  I am going to remove my jewelery because the bling may give him the impression that I am in it for the money.  I am going to remove my sweater because his hugs are going to keep me warm.  I will remove my pants because I believe a man should be a man by wearing the pants in a relationship.  I will remove my bra and panties to expose the most intimate of my secrets.  As I stand in front of him with nothing but my 4 inch stilettos on he will see me for me.  I will be at my most vulnerable; I will say without saying.. "pick me, choose me".

I am going to stand in front of him with my 4 inch stilettos on standing tall, standing free and standing on a solid foundation because those are the one pair of shoes that will begin the change in my life.

Summer breeze, makes me feel fine..

As the summer nights began to unfold into autumn evenings, I can't help to recognize the changing of my seasons as well.  I love, love.. LOVE the summer; from my sundresses and my open toe 4 inch sandals.. my jean shorts, tanks and flip flops to the tan lines from my bikini, I love the sunshine rays raining all over me.  I am excited to pack up my summer clothes because this season has changed me, rearranged me and broken me down to my lowest denominator.  I have experienced every emotion you can think of... sadness, pisstivity ( I made that up), anger, boredom, pain, suffering and through it all; believe it or not, happiness.  I often joke with my friend Regina, that once GOD has taken me through all this, he is going to encase me in a cocoon and a beautiful butterfly is going to appear.  A butterfly so vibrant in color, so soft to the touch and so ready for the next adventure; I can't wait! Yes, as this season passes and I prepare to pull out my ankle boots, my peep toe 4 inch shoe booties and my pumps for all occasions; I am preparing for what the cool autumn nights will bring.  I am looking forward to wrapping myself in the changing of the leaves and filling my lungs with the cool, brisk air as I continue my walk into a better me.  I am so ready for the next door to open so I can kick this one closed while wearing my over the knee boots. 

This summer as I showed my bare skin on the outside; I was exposing my nakedness on the inside.  See, while most of you were enjoying the picnics, the cookouts, the summer soirees, the banging concerts and a new summer love.  I was exposing myself to myself.  I was recalculating my inner GPS system... looking for the right direction to place my next step; when all the time.. GOD was telling me to lean on him.. that he would carry my load.  When you were eating ribs, corn on the cob, baked beans and sipping on lemonade.  I was eating a big piece of humble pie and sipping on self examination.  I learned who were and who will be my friends until the end.  I heard GOD whisper that everything was going to be alright; that he has always had my back.  The mirror that stands before me spits out the image of a woman that is vulnerable, confident and in love with a man that has been standing beside my reflection all this time.  He has shown me over and over.. time after time that he is only a call away.  He holds me accountable for my nonsense.  He makes me want to be a better me.  He is my mirror.  He is my friend.  As I watch the days become shorter, the air become breezy and my summer wardrobe is being packed away;  I am embracing the next season, not just for my fall fashions but for the man that carries his 6'5, 240 pounds around in a size 14 wide shoe; because those are the one pair of shoes that changed my life.   

New Year, New Decade...New Shoes...

Hello Shoe Shoppers...
As the New Year begins, we all have high hopes to accomplish everything we have on our New Year Resolutions list...1. lose those Holiday pounds 2. get a new job 3. eat healthy... and so on and so on.  Do you realize that January 1st is just another day? it's the day after yesterday or the day after tomorrow.  So the list that you have created are just things you should be doing subconsciously anyway.  We have been conditioned by society to start a new, to start fresh when the confetti falls, when the horns blow and when the clock strikes midnight.


Here is what I do... I clean out my closet, throw out the old to make room for the new.  Those pants, shirts, skirts and sweaters.. that I didn't wear, don't want or can't fit... I donate them to the less fortunate.  I rearrange my shoes to make room for the one pair of shoes that will change my life.  I am going to purchase those brown leather wedges that will accommodate my extra pounds, I am going to buy those 4 inch black patent pumps for my power suit; to blow them away in the boardroom and I am going to get those fresh all white Reebok's to sweat myself into a healthier me. 

When it's all said and done, I will put my RED stilettos on with my birthday suit, play this CD  Glee: The Music, Volume 4 , and I am going to dance like nobody is watching and if they are...so what!