As I continue on this journey of self awareness, self examination and self mutilation; today in the shower, I had another AHA moment. I am a hopeless romantic as I stated in a previous blog however today while washing my hair something hit me... most guys I have been in a relationship with has cheated on me.. AHA! After I said this out loud.. I laughed and laughed and laughed not because they were all losers but because I am the common denominator and what does that say about me? When my high school boyfriend crushed my heart by committing infidelity after infidelity ( he still holds the record for the worlds biggest loser) I was determined to never let another man have me buying stock in Kleenex, Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream with Brownies and a party line with my friends. I would never let a man take me so outside of myself that my investigation skills would shame the most decorated Secret Service agent. I came to know that a man cheating on me had nothing to do with me; it has everything to do with them and where they are with themselves. Once I mastered that at an early age; now when I am done... I am done.
Over the years I have learned a lot about myself with the most important being I love my freedom. Now don't get me wrong I love being in a relationship however I have and never will hold a man hostage to my love. Although I enjoy hand holding and sleeping with the one I love; I also love being alone because I like NO..I love me. I have taken the time to find that I am my own best company and responsible for my happiness. The men that have decided to step out on me, to have a chick on the side, to think it's okay to kiss and go to hell; unfortunately lost out on having the best of both worlds. My male friends have always joked about me having a high level of testosterone to the point that some think I have penis envy. Well today I am setting the record straight. I do not have penis envy. I think some men can't handle walking around with something swinging between their legs because they can't walk and chew bubble gum (you will get it later). I enjoy being a woman! I just have the ability to smell, know shit when I see it, step in it and when someone is trying to feed it to me. My level of nonsense is nonexistent. Trust me when I say I have seen and heard enough fabricated stories that when I hear the truth; I question it too.
I am waiting for the man that will appreciate my need to maintain my individuality and not get caught up in his mirrored image. I need a man that will be secure enough with himself that when I say, "I am fine alone" he doesn't interpret it to mean I am angry or need some extra attention and proceeds to call me a hundred times. I love being feminine, I love the dresses and Jesus knows I love my shoes however I need a man that is okay with me wearing my Timberlands. A relationship is about being with someone and loving them; for me it is also about being free. Freedom by definition means the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. Freedom is a synonymous with being you. The mistake most people make is they always send a representative in the beginning... showing how great they are and how great they can be that when the real person shows up confusion sets in. I live by the motto.. what you see is what you get.. I am me all the time. I am genuine, sincere, loving.. I am opinionated, unreasonable when my mind is made up and most importantly I am free of drama, messiness, gossip and all things nonsense.
The mistake I have made for many years is I thought I was in a relationship with a grown man. Everything is fun and giggles in the beginning because I can go from boardroom, to the basketball game, to the bedroom in a blink of an eye.. meaning.. I can take care of my business, kick it with my man and be all that he "wants" behind closed doors. We can sip champagne and chug beers. I know that being friends is the foundation of any successful relationship. I give freedom because I want freedom. I am a grown woman who has a tremendous capability of occupying my time with meaningful things. The men who have cheated couldn't handle all the freedom I needed or gave...they needed something to do with their time. I am not going to make excuses as to why men cheat however I will say when the real man for me shows up he is going to be fine with being alone and love when we are together. He is going to have his own shit going on that our time apart will be productive and not destructive. He will appreciate looking at other women, maintain his friendships with his female friends without disrespecting me. It can be done.. MONOGAMY.. it will happen as soon as more boys become men who have learned to walk with it swinging and chew bubble gum!
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